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Rebel Without a Bra
For USC’s 2004 Ed Wood Contest

President:
Ladies and Gentlemen of the board,
We have a problem that can’t be ignored!
Our lingerie sales this year are falling,
And now our stock holders are calling
For our heads!
But we can turn this problem ‘round,
With this microchip our scientists found!
When we fill our bras with these chips in my hand,
Any who wear them will be under our command!
They will buy as many bras as our factories will allow,
And then, before our greatness, our competitors will bow!
Once this grand scheme of mine is unfurled,
We’ll be the greatest undergarment manufacturer in the world!

Board of Directors:
It’s brilliant! That man has a marvelous gift!
His plan will give profits, and breasts, a lift!
We’ll do it! We’ll do it! Let’s start tomorrow!
And then our competitors will moan in sorrow!
With all of those women being controlled,
Who knows how much merchandise can be sold?
Only time can tell, only time knows,
So we’ll wait, and we’ll see, how our great scam goes!

Salesperson:
Be the first on your block to try our
Brand new kind of under wire!
Buy some bras and celebrate,
As they lift up and separate!
You’ll think you’ve died and gone to heaven –
Buy two more! Or four! Or seven!

Women:
My mind have been opened, as if reborn!
This is the greatest bra I’ve ever worn!
I’ll never buy a different bra again!
This one is the best – a perfect ten!

Woman:
My breasts have never looked so good before!
I bought 50 yesterday, and today I’m buying more!

Women:
We’re not quite sure what makes us buy so many,
And all these bras cost us a pretty penny!

Woman:
I’ll be paying off bra loans for 30 years!
But still I can’t get enough brassieres!

President:
My plot is going just as planned,
Ring out the bells, start up the band!
We’re making billions! Or billions pluraled!
And these women think they’re buying

All:
The greatest bras in the world!

Victoria:
Quiet down! I don’t see what all the fuss is for.
I’ve worn better bras, and I’m sure I’ll try on more.
Your singing in the streets is interrupting my slumber,
And do you know how hard it is to drive through the middle of a musical number?

President:
Surely you’re joking! Surely you jest!
Mortganson’s Bras are by far the best!

Victoria:
That is a matter of personal preference,
And comparing your bras to others, I don’t see much difference.

President:
Why isn’t the chip working? What is to blame?
Tell me, dear woman, what is your name?

Victoria:
My name is Victoria.

President:
You’ve tried on a bra from this brand new line?

Victoria:
Yes, and I thought that it was… fine.

President:
It didn’t make you rush to buy 50 more?

Victoria:
No sir, in fact, it was kind of a bore.

President:
The lack of change in your mind is making me fret!
Tell me, Victoria, what’s your secret?

Victoria:
The lack of change in my mind?
Is that a joke of some kind?
Or is there something queer
About this brassiere?
Some secret for me to find?

President:
No, no! That’s not it, there is nothing behind
The pads that should take control of your mind!
To suggest I’m attempting world domination
Is nothing short of an abomination!
So get those crazy thoughts out of your head.
Now I feel ill. I’m going to bed.

Victoria:
There was something odd in that man’s behavior,
Could it be that he’s a mass human enslaver?
The obvious plot, based on what I just saw
Is he’s taking over the world, bra by bra.
As the only women left with her wits intact,
It’s up to me to see that this man is attacked.
As the heroine of this unlikely op’ra,
I must be a Rebel – Without a Bra!

To find I must first know where to look,
And for this I will search through the telephone book!

Answering machine:
Hello, this is Max, I’m not here right now,
Because someone escaped mind control (don’t ask me how).
In case you are her, looking for me,
I am home in bed, as sick as can be.
To think I’m hiding in Paris France would be obscene!
(At the double tree inn, room 513)
I’m sick in bed, quite, not uttering a peep.
In case you’re not my nemesis, leave a message at the beep.

INTERMISSION

Frenchman:
Welcome, madam, to Paris, France,
Come over here, and I’ll kick you in the pants.
If you are American, we’ll spit on your shoes,
Because we are French, we can do what we choose.
Our movies: artistic, our music: accordion!
The people of France are better than everyone!
We may treat you real badly, you may want to flee,
But hey! We are French, so just say cest la vie!

Victoria:
Excuse me, sir, I’m looking for a man
Intent on world conquest – a very evil plan.
If you could lead me to him, I’d be ever grateful,
And give you whatever you want.

Frenchman:
Frog legs?

Victoria:
By the plateful!

Frenchman:
Tempting offer indeed, but I must decline,
For world domination is also a plan of mine.
To take over the world isn’t really so wrong.
By the way, would you like to try a mind-control thong?

Victoria:
I’m on my own – so be it.
I have my task, I won’t flee it.
The end is in sight, I will see it.
The world’s enslaved, and I’ll free it.

President:
You think you can spoil my grade-crazed euphoria?
Guess again! Slaves: instead of buying bras, kill Victoria!

Victoria:
You have more strength, but I’ll stop your evil deeds
With these two handfuls of Mardi Gras beads!

President:
No! Put your bras back on!
Or all of my power will soon be gone!

Victoria:
Your grip has been broken, and now they all see
That your bras are no good – as cheap as can be!

People:
In the past two weeks we’ve spent a billion point two,
And now, Mr. President, we will take it back from you!

President:
No! Not my wallet – that I can’t lose!
No! Not my coat! Not my hat! NOT MY SHOES!

Victoria:
Your plot is now shattered! You really messed up
When you messed with the bra that holds my chest up.
Now we are free, filled with undergarment mirth,
And you control no one anywhere on Earth!

People:
Hooray for Victoria, the woman whose quests
Freed the whole world, and the whole world’s breasts!
Future generations will look back with aw,
At Victoria: The Rebel Without a Bra!




2009 - Nathaniel Jones