Official website of Seattle-area actor and writer Nathaniel Jones

• Where are my Pants? •

If you're like many Americans, you're wondering where your pants could have got to. I mean, they were right here just a minute ago.

Because I know for sure that I had them when I got home, as my keys were in the pocket and I couldn't have gotten inside my house without those. And I'm pretty sure I still had them on when I checked the mail. So, at some point between when I got my mail and now, my pants disappeared.

I don't even remember taking them off! What's the deal? I came in, I had a snack, I turned on the TV... did I have my pants on at that point? I think I d- OH WAIT!

I took them off! I did take them off, because I was eating cheese-its and crumbs kept falling on my pants, so I took them off! That's right. And it turned out that was a bad call, because then I got cheese-it crumbs in all of my crevices, and it was easier to just brush them off the pants than to try and get them all off of my legs and other pieces.

Okay, so I was standing up brushing off the crumbs.... what did I do with my pants then? They're not in the laundry hamper...

How could I lose a pair of pants? That doesn't even... that's not make sense! This is some sort of, a, mystery or something, because dang. I need to put my pants on so I can go to the store. Where are they? They're not in the bedroom or in the living room or the den. They're not in the bathroom or the laundry room. They're not in the kitchen. I'm running out of rooms to look for pants!

In the backyard? On the porch? In the attic? These are preposterous notions, as I would not put pants in these areas unless there were some sort of dire circumstances that called for it, and I certainly would remember something along those lines!

I just checked the oven, and I can't even imagine why. I can think of no reason to put pants in the oven, and yet I just looked there. And I felt stupid for doing so. And yet, it's taking all of my will power to avoid looking in the refrigerator. I can tell you right now, without looking that they are not there, but I can tell you with almost the same level of certainty that I'm going to look anyways.

Okay, here's the deal - I'm going to look in the refrigerator right now, but I'm only looking for something to drink - not my pants. If I happen to see my pants, then so be it, but that's not the reason I'm going to open the door. I'm just looking for a drink... any sort of... drink will do... just lookin,' lookin.... No pants. I told you - there are no pants in the fridge. Which leaves me back where I started.

They're not in between the cushions on the couch. They're not in my shirt pocket. Hold on - I'm going to look down now, and if I'm wearing them, I'll feel like a total dumb-nugget. I'm looking... nope. No pants.

Where are my pants!? It's not even funny now. I want my pants. Somebody tell me where I put my freaking pants! Did somebody hide them?

I'm not even... I'm done looking. I quit. I give in. My pants are dead to me.

Sorry this article was not as helpful as I thought it was going to be. I'll try better next time.

The End.

Oh wait - found 'em. They were under my coat.

2009 - Nathaniel Jones