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Official website of Seattle-area actor and writer Nathaniel Jones

• One and Only •

                                        ACT I

                                       SCENE 1

            INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - EVENING

                                        The apartment is small, tidy, and
                                        obviously not host to frequent
                                        visitors. MARK, a self-proclaimed
                                        Nice Guy in his mid twenties
                                        enters.

                              MARK
            "A MOMENT OF GREAT IMPORTANCE"
            LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
            I AM SPEAKING TO YOU TODAY ON THIS
            THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT DAY
            OF WHAT HAS BEEN UP TILL NOW
            A SMALL AND UNIMPORTANT LIFE!
            NOT TWO MINUTES AGO
            OUTSIDE THIS VERY DOOR
            I ENCOUNTERED A WOMAN
            WITH EVERYTHING I COULD EVER DESIRE
            AND A LITTLE BIT MORE!
            A MOMENT LIKE THIS DESERVES A SPEECH
            OF MONUMENTAL PROPORTIONS
            TO ELOQUENTLY EXPRESS ALL THE IDEAS
            RACING THROUGH MY HEAD,
            BUT ALL I CAN THINK TO SAY IS:
            WOW!
            I MEAN, REALLY, WOW!
            I MEAN, WOW CAN'T DESCRIBE HER,
            BUT WOW - I CAN'T DESCRIBE HER,
            THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN!
            GOLLY!
            DID I REALLY JUST SAY 'GOLLY?'
            NOBODY SAYS GOLLY, BUT GOLLY!
            THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN!
            NOW YOU MAY THINK THAT'S AN EXAGGERATION!
            THAT I MUST SAY THAT ABOUT EVERY GIRL I SEE!
            BUT I TELL YOU THAT ISN'T LIKE ME!
            IN FACT SHE'S THE FIRST I'VE THUS DESCRIBED IN AT LEAST A
            WEEK!
            SHE LOOKS SO LOVELY!
            I BET SHE'S NICE!
            THE WAY THE SUN HITS HER HAIR,
            HER FACE LIGHTS UP THE AIR,
            NOT THAT I CARE ABOUT LOOKS, MIND YOU, BUT STILL!
            SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN!
            SHE'S MOVING IN DOWN THE HALL
            I SHOULD GIVE HER A CALL
            ASK HER OUT FOR COFFEE,
            OR DINNER,
            OR MARRIAGE
            ... TOO SOON?
                             (SPOKEN)
                 Yes, too soon! What am I thinking? I meet this
                 girl once, and I'm proposing. In song, no less!
                 Pull yourself together man! The world is not a
                 musical! Ten dollars says the next time she
                 sees you she doesn't remember your name. 
                 Wait - you didn't tell her your name. She
                 didn't tell you her name. And of course you
                 didn't ask for her number, so you couldn't even
                 call if you wanted to. That's right! Forget it -
                 there's no way! 
                 ...Of course, she is still outside unpacking -
                 all I have to do is open the door, walk a few
                 feet, say "Hi, I noticed you're new in the
                 building, would you like to go out sometime?"
                 No harm in that! What's the worst thing that
                 could happen? She says no. No biggie. No big
                 deal. No problem.
                 ... But what if she says yes? What if she says
                 "Sounds great! What do you like to do for fun?"
                 What do I say to that? "Well, I spend most of
                 my time sitting alone in my apartment, watching
                 re-runs of old TV shows, wasting countless
                 hours on internet message boards, and
                 reflecting on the wasted years of my youth.
                 Want to join me?" Yeah right - what does she
                 want to do with a guy like me? A loser - a dead
                 end - a schmo!
                 ... but then, she did smile as our paths
                 crossed. She said hello, and I said hello.
                 Maybe we're meant for each other! Maybe we're
                 soul mates! Maybe she has really low standards!
                 Who am I to pass on this opportunity? If we are
                 destined to be together, who am I to shun my
                 responsibility! Come on, Mark - you have a date
                 with destiny.
                 ... If she calls me. Yes.
                 This will be a test - if we are meant to be
                 together, than at this moment, that phone will
                 ring and I will be on the road to True Love! 

                                        The phone rings.

                              MARK (cont'd)
                 That's a coincidence - could've happened
                 anytime. 
                             (On phone)
                 Hello?

                              CHAD
                             (on phone)
                 Marky Mark! It's Chad! From work!

                              MARK
                 ... Oh. Hi, Chad.

                              CHAD
                 I was calling to ask if you're going to the
                 party tonight?

                              MARK
                 I don't think so. I've got a video that's due
                 back tomorrow, and I haven't watched it.

                              CHAD
                 Dude - a video? It's Saturday Night! Get out of
                 your apartment for once!

                              MARK
                 Right - it's Saturday, which is why I really
                 don't want to get back together with all the
                 people from the office.

                              CHAD
                 But it's the end of the quarter party! And
                 rumor has it that Sherry in marketing just
                 dumped her boyfriend, and she's looking to
                 spread some viral marketing.

                              MARK
                 I really don't think that's the phrase you
                 wanted to use. But, again, I think I'll be
                 sitting this one out.

                              CHAD
                 It was the biggest sales quarter in three
                 years! Word coming down from up top is that
                 they're bringing in three cases of top-shelf -
                 "el vino will flow!"

                              MARK
                 Look - I -

                                        A knock at the door.

                              MARK (cont'd)
                 Hold on - someone's at the door.

                                        Mark opens the door, revealing THE
                                        GIRL.

                              THE GIRL
                 Hi - I was wondering if you have a box cutter I
                 could borrow?

                              MARK
                 ... Uh, Chad? Can I call you back?
                             (hangs up the phone)
                 Yeah - I think I've got one in one of these
                 drawers.

                              THE GIRL
                 Oh, great! Yeah, I'm just trying to get
                 everything unpacked, and realized it's hard to
                 cut through all that tape when the box
                 cutters's still in one of the boxes.

                              MARK
                 Yeah, that'd cause a problem. Here it is - one
                 box cutter.

                              THE GIRL
                 Thanks so much! I'll bring it back as quick as
                 I can.
                             (starts to exit)

                              MARK
                 Hey, waitasec - this might seem kind of
                 strange, but would you like to go to an office
                 party with me tonight?

                              THE GIRL
                 Tonight?

                              MARK
                 Yeah, I didn't think so. Anyway - sorry to
                 bother you.

                              THE GIRL
                 Actually, I'd love to.

                              MARK
                 You what?

                              THE GIRL
                 I've been dying for an excuse not to unpack all
                 those boxes.
                 Let me just take a quick shower and a change of
                 clothes, and I'll knock on your door in about a
                 half hour?

                              MARK
                 Oh - uh - I... yeah, that sounds great.

                              THE GIRL
                 Okay - see ya soon!

                                        THE GIRL exits.

                              MARK
                 See ya.

                                        MARK pulls out his phone again and
                                        calls CHAD.

                              CHAD
                 Chad here!

                              MARK
                 Hey Chad - it's Mark. From work.

                              CHAD
                 Marky Mark! How's it hangin? Changed your mind
                 about the party yet? Free booze, man, can't go
                 wrong!

                              MARK
                 Yeah, I'll be there. 

                              CHAD
                 Great! Now... Designated-Driver! Not it!

                              MARK
                 Not... Dude, you can't -

                              CHAD
                 I called it! Them's the rules, be-otch!

                              MARK
                 ... Fine. But you're stuck in the back - I'm
                 bringing a friend.

                              CHAD
                 A lady friend?

                              MARK
                 ... yes.

                              CHAD
                 What! Somebody call Mythbusters on that one!

                              MARK
                 Goodbye.

                              CHAD
                 Wait - when are you picking me up!

                              MARK
                 I'm not... I'll be there in 45 minutes.

                              CHAD
                 Sweet! I'll see you and your lady friend then.
                 Oh - are you sure you two don't want the back
                 seat? Rawr!

                              MARK
                 Goodbye.

                              CHAD
                 Ciao!

                              MARK
                 ... son of a bitch.

                                        BLACKOUT as Mark exits to get
                                        ready.

                                        (changes to scene one: Chad now
                                        lives in the same building, and
                                        rather than calling on the phone,
                                        he arrives in person. He doesn't
                                        see the girl during that scene,
                                        however, because he is using the
                                        toilet during the exchange between
                                        her and mark)

                                      SCENE TWO

            INT. APARTMENT - LATER THAT EVENING

                                        Knock at the door - CHAD enters.

                              CHAD
                 It's Saturday night, and the mood is right!
                 Woo!

                              MARK
                 Hi, Chad.

                              CHAD
                 So where's this lady friend of yours? Can I
                 meet her, or do you still have to inflate her?

                              MARK
                 She'll be here any minute.

                              CHAD
                 What's she look like? Big ones?

                              MARK
                 She's not - I mean, well, she does, but -
                 that's not -

                              CHAD
                 I know - you respect her for her mind and her
                 personality. I'm sure she's got great charm and
                 wits. What's her name?

                              MARK
                 Well, that is... an interesting question...

                              CHAD
                 You what?

                              MARK
                 I guess I forgot to ask.

                              CHAD
                 You got a date with a girl without finding out
                 her name? I haven't even done that.

                              MARK
                 No?

                              CHAD
                 Once I boned a girl and couldn't remember her
                 name the next morning. But, I'm pretty sure she
                 had told me at one point.

                              MARK
                 That's... must have been very awkward.

                              CHAD
                 You're telling me - we went at it again and I
                 didn't know what to yell. 

                              MARK
                 I feel so sorry for you.

                              CHAD
                 Enough chit chat - let's go over your battle
                 plan.

                              MARK
                 Battle plan?

                              CHAD
                 If you want to get past enemy lines, you have
                 to have a battle plan. It's just like the old
                 saying - those who fail to plan, plan to stay
                 home and masturbate.

                              MARK
                 I didn't need to hear that.

                              CHAD
                 I think you did, my man. Look - you've got the
                 opportunity to learn from the feet of the
                 master here, and I recommend you listen.
            "ADVICE"
            THERE ARE TIMES TO FLY BY THE SEAT OF YOUR PANTS
            BUT THIS ISN'T IT.
            THERE ARE TIMES TO CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TAKE A CHANCE
            BUT NOT WHEN YOU'VE A CHANCE TO GET TIT.
            LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY, MY FRIEND
            THERE ARE RULES THAT YOU MUST HEED
            IF YOU WISH TO BE HAPPY IN THE END
            THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEED:
            FIRST YOU NEED SOME CONFIDENCE;
            LET HER KNOW ALL THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOU
            EVEN THOUGH IN THIS INSTANCE
            THOSE THINGS MAY NOT REALLY BE TRUE
            SECOND OF ALL, A SENSE OF HUMOUR
            THIRD, CHARISMA, CHARM AND VERVE
            FOURTH A SENSE OF HIGH ADVENTURE
            NEXT YOU NEED TO GET SOME NERVE
            OF COURSE THEN THERE'S SENSITIVITY
            CREATIVITY, AVIDITY,
            EVIDENCE OF PROCLIVITY
            FOR SEXUAL ACTIVITY
            BE FIRM YET SOFT AND CARING
            APPRECIATE THE SHALLOW, BUT BE DEEP
            BE EASY GOING AND BE DARING
            KNOW HOW TO CRY, BUT NEVER WEEP
            BE FULL OF YOURSELF, BUT NOT COCKY
            BE GENTLE, BUT DO NOT BE WEAK
            BE INTO SPORTS, BUT NOT TOO JOCK-Y
            BE ASSERTIVE AND STRONG, BUT BE MEEK
            IT'S DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN THIS BALANCE
            THAT'S WHY SEDUCTION IS KNOWN AS AN ART
            YOU MUST WORK TO HONE YOUR TALENTS
            IN ORDER TO MASTER THE PART
            WHEN YOU CAN DO IT ALL WITHOUT TRYING
            WHEN YOU SPEAK TO WOMEN WITHOUT BEING AFRAID
            WHEN YOU'RE COOL AND COLLECTED WHILE LYING
            THEN AT LONG LAST, YOU MIGHT GET LAID
            IT'S TRUE, YOU'VE GOT A LONG ROAD AHEAD
            BUT IN THE END, YOU WILL SEE
            THAT IN ORDER TO TAKE A WOMAN TO BED,
            IT'S BEST TO BE EXACTLY LIKE ME!

                              MARK
                 I feel like I should slap you on behalf of
                 women everywhere.

                                        Knock at the door.

                              MARK (cont'd)
                 Never mind - that'll be them now. 

                              CHAD
                 Can't hide from the truth, my man.

                                        MARK opens the door. THE GIRL is
                                        there, looking gorgeous in a girl
                                        next-door kind of way.

                              MARK
                 Hi!

                              THE GIRL
                 Hello.

                              CHAD
                 Mark?

                              MARK
                 Oh - this is Chad. Chad, this is...

                              THE GIRL
                 Nice to meet you, Chad.

                              CHAD
                 And very nice to meet you...

                                        CHAD goes to kiss her hand, but
                                        she pulls it away.

                              THE GIRL
                 Are we ready to go?

                              MARK
                 I think so. Ready Chad?

                              CHAD
                 Are you ready?

                                        CHAD makes some not-so-subtle
                                        "hubba hubba" motions.

                              MARK
                 What are you...? My car is parked on the street
                 - the blue Golf.

                              THE GIRL
                 Well then, let's be off.

                              MARK
                 You coming, Chad?

                              CHAD
                 That's what she said.

                                        They exit.

                                     SCENE THREE

            INT. OFFICE OF FLASHNET MARKETING - LATER

                                        We are at the End of the Quarter
                                        party, and boy is it lame.

                                        CHAD enters, followed my MARK and
                                        THE GIRL

                              CHAD
                 Party time!

                                        CHAD spots SHERRY off stage and
                                        exits in her direction.

                              CHAD (cont'd)
                 There's Sherry - time for me to send my junk
                 mail to her inbox.

                              MARK
                             (to Chad)
                 You really need some new analogies there.
                             (to the girl)
                 So - this is my office.

                              THE GIRL
                 Nice... what is it you do here?

                              MARK
                 I design "interactive flash-based marketing
                 solutions."

                              THE GIRL
                 That sounds impressive - what does it mean?

                              MARK
                 It's not really - well, um, you know those
                 flashing pop up ads that you see on websites?

                              THE GIRL
                 "Who's boobs are these? Guess right and win a
                 free iPod?"

                              MARK
                 I actually designed that.

                              THE GIRL
                 Oh - I hate you.

                              MARK
                 Yeah, most people do. It's just to pay the
                 bills - once I can strike it rich on my own
                 I'll be outta here.

                              THE GIRL
                 Strike it rich doing what?

                              MARK
                 Illustrations. I really want to illustrate
                 children's books.

                              THE GIRL
                 Well, I can see how flashing boob ads will help
                 with that.

                              MARK
                 Don't -

                                        TONY, the boss, interrupts.

                              TONY
                 Mark!

                              MARK
                 Mr. Bantam.

                              TONY
                 Please - it's a party. Call me Tony. And - who
                 is this?

                              MARK
                 Oh, sorry, this is...

                                        MARK looks to THE GIRL. THE GIRL
                                        looks back, waiting for him to say
                                        her name. When it is clear that he
                                        isn't going to, she continues.

                              THE GIRL
                 Kathryn.

                              MARK
                 Kathryn. Kathryn, this is Mr. - Tony.

                              THE GIRL
                 Nice to meet you.

                              TONY
                 If you guys need anything, we've got drinks
                 over there, snacks over there... 

                              MARK
                 Thanks. 

                              TONY
                             (sees another person across the room)
                 Hey - Teddy!

                                        TONY exits.

                              MARK
                 Can I get you something to drink?

                              KATHRYN
                 What was that about?

                              MARK
                 Oh - he's my boss.

                              KATHRYN
                 No, not that - you didn't know my name?

                              MARK
                 No, well - of course, I... "Mulva."

                              KATHRYN
                 Mulva?

                              MARK
                 It was - "Seinfeld." That's what that was a
                 reference to.

                              KATHRYN
                 Uh-huh. I think I will have a drink.

                              MARK
                 Yeah. Now I need one.

                                        MARK and KATHRYN walk to the drink
                                        table and grab glasses of punch.

                              MARK (cont'd)
                 What should we drink to?

                              KATHRYN
                 To... to new friends.

                                        They clink and drink.

                                                             LIGHTS OUT.

                                     SCENE FOUR

            INT. DUFFY'S PLACE - THE NEXT DAY

                                        Duffy's Place is a rather seedy
                                        bar with a reputation as a meat
                                        market. The place is mostly empty,
                                        except for a few guys. MARK
                                        enters, looking around. CHAD,
                                        sitting at the bar, waves him
                                        over.

                              CHAD
                 Marky Mark!
                             (handing MARK a stack of papers)
                 Here.

                              MARK
                 What are these?

                              CHAD
                 Xeroxes.

                              MARK
                 Yeah, but... Chad, is that your ass?

                              CHAD
                 No! 
                             (takes stack, looks through them until he
                              finds one in particular)
                 This is my ass.

                              MARK
                 What am I supposed to do with this?

                              CHAD
                 Hang it on the fridge? Make a scrap book? Tape
                 it to your pants as a cheap alternative to
                 plastic surgery?

                              MARK
                 What am I doing here, Chad?

                              CHAD
                 ... Okay, so, you know Sherry?

                              MARK
                 Yeah.

                              CHAD
                 Okay, well last night... Okay, so we were
                 having some drinks, one thing led to another,
                 and - oh, actually, if you flip through these 
                             (taking pile of copies and flipping
                              through them)
                 You can actually see it, like a flip book. Look-

                              MARK
                 That's okay, I really don't need to - wow,
                 that's... No, but anyway, so you and Sherry...
                 did this. And...

                              CHAD
                 And, it turns out that she's batshit crazy, and
                 I gave her your apartment number instead of
                 mine so that she wouldn't be able to find me.

                              MARK
                 Dude, why would you -?

                              CHAD
                 Look - it was a panic move. She called me today
                 to see if I wanted to do anything tonight, and
                 I told her to come on over, and gave her your
                 address.

                              MARK
                 I thought you liked her?

                              CHAD
                 Yeah, but not enough to see her the next day!
                 Listen, I have very strict rules that I must
                 follow, and to see her tonight would be
                 breaking at least six of them.

                              MARK
                 Well. Okay then.

                              CHAD
                 Don't be like that - look, I called you down
                 here so that you wouldn't have to deal with her
                 when she shows up. Crisis averted. Whew. Anyway
                 - speaking of crazy bitches, how'd things go
                 with the unknown soldier?

                              MARK
                 The unknown -? Oh - her name is Kathryn. I
                 think things went pretty well. She laughed at
                 my jokes and everything.

                              CHAD
                 And how was she?

                              MARK
                 How do you mean?

                                        CHAD makes a lewd gesture.

                              MARK (cont'd)
                 Oh! No, we didn't - 

                              CHAD
                 You didn't?

                              MARK
                 No, we didn't.

                              CHAD
                 You didn't! Balls on my face and a dick in my
                 ass, why the hell not!?

                              MARK
                 Excuse me? It was a first date!

                              CHAD
                 Man, listen to me. You have terrible taste in
                 women. Are you listening? You have terrible
                 taste in women. And listen - not only do you
                 have really, really terrible taste in women,
                 but you can't even get off with the scuddy
                 mouth-breathers you for some reason feel worthy
                 of pointing your efforts towards.

                              MARK
                 I feel like I should punch you or something.

                              CHAD
                 Let me finish - my point is that you have zero
                 chance of ever hooking up with a woman, ever.
                 Yet - for some reason, be it the alignment of
                 the planets, divine intervention, or a trip
                 through the twilight zone, last night you found
                 yourself with a genuine smoking woman who, for
                 whatever reason, was not completely put off by
                 you. And you have the audacity to take that
                 situation and completely waste it by not giving
                 her twinkie your special cream filling?

                              MARK
                 Well, I'm sorry, but it just so happens that
                 there are some guys that have more respect for
                 woman that to just treat them as sex objects.

                              CHAD
                 Just treat them as... Listen, chum:
            "THE GREATEST OBJECT"
            THERE ARE OBJECTS OF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES
            AND THE THING YOU NEED TO REALIZE IS
            TO SAY SOMETHING'S AN OBJECT'S NOT SO BAD.
            THEY ARE THE THINGS THAT EACH MAN PRIZES,
            PUTS ON DISPLAY, AND EACH MAN TRIES HIS
            BEST TO FIND A BETTER THING TO BE HAD.
            BUT OVER THE YEARS EACH MAN HAS SHOWN,
            TO LONG FOR ONE OBJECT, AND ONE ALONE
            MORE THAN TELEVISION, CAR, OR CELLULAR PHONE,
            A WOMAN IS THE GREATEST OBJECT A MAN CAN EVER OWN!
                             (the song will continue and grow into a
                              big dance number with all the guys at the
                              bar)

                              MARK
                 I think if a woman were to hear you say that,
                 you'd be shunned from society.

                              CHAD
                 Don't kid yourself, Marky Mark, men are even
                 more objects than women.

                              MARK
                 That's not true.

                              CHAD
                 Don't shoot the messenger - you're just a penis
                 that can buy her dinner.

                              MARK
                 Okay, I'm leaving.

                              CHAD
                 Hold on - hold on. I'm sorry. I'm right, but
                 I'm sorry. What are you going to do now?

                              MARK
                 I'm going to go home.

                              CHAD
                 ... about the girl?

                              MARK
                 I don't know. She's probably busy unpacking
                 still, so I'll leave her to it.

                              CHAD
                 And then?

                              MARK
                 Then... I'll probably see if she wants to do
                 something next weekend. I dunno. Or some coffee
                 or something.

                              CHAD
                 What are you doing next weekend?

                              MARK
                 I don't know. Maybe a movie?

                              CHAD
                 "I don't know" - this is my point! You don't
                 know! You've got your little idealist head full
                 of "I don't know," and it's kind of cute, but
                 seriously, it's pathetic and I'm getting a
                 little tired of wasting my time with you. But
                 you're my friend, so I want to help you out.

                              MARK
                 Your kind of help I think I can do without.
                 Thanks anyway.

                              CHAD
                 You walk out that door, and you'll let her
                 disappear like every other girl you've had a
                 serious thing for. And you know that's true.

                              MARK
                 No, I... that's... look, I really like her, and
                 don't want to throw her away for a one night
                 stand.

                              CHAD
                 To each his own. Either way, though, you won't
                 get anywhere without the guiding hand of
                 someone older and wiser. Like me.

                              MARK
                 And what's in it for you?

                              CHAD
                 For me? Have you no faith? All I want is to see
                 you happy. Now come, my son, and learn at the
                 feet of the master.

                                                             LIGHTS OUT.

                                     SCENE FIVE

            INT. KATHRYN'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY

                                        KATHRYN is lounging around reading
                                        a book. A knock at the door - she
                                        answers it, revealing MARK,
                                        dressed exactly like CHAD.

                              KATHRYN
                 Oh! Hi, Mark.

                              MARK
                 Hey.

                              KATHRYN
                 What's with the get-up?

                              MARK
                 Oh - the, uh - it's just some zazz. Trying to
                 zazz it up a bit, add some zazz.

                              KATHRYN
                 Zazz, huh? Looks spiffy. What's going on?

                              MARK
                 What's going on? uh... You're going on.

                              KATHRYN
                 Um... Are you feeling okay?

                              MARK
                 Am I feeling okay?
            "HOT BANANAS"
            I'M FEELIN' HOT!
            I'M FEELIN' BANANAS!
            YOU GOT ME HOT BANANAS FOR YOU!
            AND IF I GOT YOU HOT BANANAS TOO,
            I GOT A HOT BANANA FOR YOU!
            BABY YOU KNOW
            WHAT I GOT
            HAS GOT YOU SO
            SO SO SO HOT
            SO LETS HAVE A GO
            'CAUSE THERE'S A LOT
            I WANT TO SHOW
            YOU ON MY COT
            CAUSE YOU GOT ME HOT!
            BANANAS!
            HOT BANANAS FOR YOU BABY!
            COME ON AND SAY YES!
            DO NOT SAY NO
            AND DO NOT SAY MAYBE!
            BECAUSE I'M SO HOT
            BANANAS FOR YOU BABY!
            OUR LOVE IS REAL
            LET'S SEAL THE DEAL
            DON'T DENY WHAT YOU FEEL
            LET LOOSE AND REVEAL
            THAT YOU'RE HOT!
            BANANAS!
            HOT BANANAS FOR ME BABY!
            YOUR PLACE OR MINE
            EITHER WOULD BE FINE
            JUST DO NOT DELAY ME!
            BECAUSE I'M HOT
            BANANAS FOR YOU BABY!
            YOU GOT ME HOT
            YOU GOT ME BANANAS
            YOU GOT ME HOT BANANAS FOR YOU!
            AND SINCE I GOT YOU HOT BANANAS TOO,
            I'VE GOT A HOT BANANA FOR YOU!

                                        As the song ends, KATHRYN pushes
                                        MARK out the door and slams it in
                                        his face.

                              MARK (cont'd)
                             (from outside)
                 What was that for?

                              KATHRYN
                 Hot bananas? Seriously? And I thought this one
                 was sane.
            "SO MUCH TO ASK FOR"
            IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR
            THAT A GUY IS MORE THAN HIS DICK?
            IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR
            THAT HE THINKS I'M MORE THAN HIS CHICK?
            AM I BEING OBTUSE?
            SO WHY THIS ABUSE?
            BECAUSE I'M NOT LOOSE?
            DON'T WANT HIS MAN JUICE?
            ALL I WANT IS A FELLA
            WHO TREATS ME RIGHT
            TAKE ME TO DINNER
            AND THEN STAYS THE NIGHT
            IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
            I WANT LOVE AT FIRST GLANCE WITH
            A FELLA TO DANCE WITH
            TO TAKE A CHANCE WITH
            TO GO TO FRANCE WITH
            AREN'T THERE GUYS WHO ARE INTO ROMANCE?
            WHO LIKES WHAT'S IN MY HEAD
            MORE THAN WHAT'S IN MY PANTS?
            IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
            I JUST WANT A NICE GUY
            WHOSE SOFT ON THE EYE
            CALLS JUST TO SAY "HI"
            GIFTS WITH NO REASON WHY
            IF SUCH MAN EXISTS, THEN GOD I PRAY
            DON'T LET HIM BE MARRIED, A SMOKER, OR GAY!
            IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
            IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
            APPARENTLY SO...

                                                               BLACK OUT

            INT. DUFFY'S PLACE - LATER

                                        MARK is drunk. CHAD sits next to
                                        him comforting him.

                              CHAD
                 There there, little trooper. It'll all be okay.

                              MARK
                 She hates me!

                              CHAD
                 Shh shh shh shh. Don't say that - these things
                 take time. You used a good line, right? Yeah?
                 So that's just planting the seed!

                              MARK
                 No, I should'a never've listened to you'n your
                 stupid advice. No. Now she hates me!

                              CHAD
                 No!

                              MARK
                 Yes she does!

                              CHAD
                 No no no.

                              MARK
                 Oh yes. Oh yes. I blew it! Pow!

                              CHAD
                 Well, maybe, but don't worry about that now!

                              MARK
                 Oh no, don't tell me when I not to worry about
                 that now! You are... the one that has did this!
                 And now I will fight you mano to a mano. Put up
                 your dukes!

                              CHAD
                 Dear, you're making a scene.

                              MARK
                 Oh, what am I gonna do. I shall never love
                 again!
                 Waiter! Give me another daiquiri.

                              CHAD
                 Whoa there, I think you've had enough.

                              MARK
                 Had enough of you, you mean. What happened to
                 our fight?

                              CHAD
                 We had it. You won.

                              MARK
                 I won? Yesssssss. Shows you!

                                        SHERRY enters - she is in her mid
                                        30s, dressed as if she were in her
                                        early 20s. She is attractive in a
                                        surgically enhanced stripper kind
                                        of way.

                              CHAD
                 Dude!

                              MARK
                 Yessir, I am THE DUDE!

                              CHAD
                 No, dude, it's Sherry!

                              MARK
                 No sherry, I've having... Another daiquiri

                              CHAD
                 Don't tell her anything!

                                        CHAD ducks behind some fake palm
                                        trees by the bar. 
                                        SHERRY approaches MARK.

                              SHERRY
                 Hey... Mark, is it?

                              MARK
                 Hi, Sherry-from-marketing!

                              SHERRY
                 Are you drunk?

                              MARK
                 What! What a question!

                              SHERRY
                 I didn't know you were a drinker.

                              MARK
                 I can drink if I wanna drink when I wanna! I am
                 a man, and king of castle... the castle.

                              SHERRY
                 So I see. Have you seen Chad around?

                              MARK
                 Chad! Oooohhhhh, that... bastard!

                              SHERRY
                 What?

                              MARK
                 Nope! He told me not to tell you anything.

                              SHERRY
                 When did he say that?

                              MARK
                 A minute ago, just before he ran behind those
                 palm trees.

                                        MARK points, and the display of
                                        palm trees slowly makes its way
                                        out a back door offstage.

                              MARK (cont'd)
                 D'oh! Those palm trees were my ride.


2009 - Nathaniel Jones