Official website of Seattle-area actor and writer Nathaniel Jones
The Lollipop that Fought Back

The candy store on the corner. A place of enchantment for all the boys and girls of this small town. Where else could a child go to live in a never ending supply of sugar and artificial flavoring? It was a day like any other in the small town of Clarkston , Washington, and little Billy Von Handbag decided that he would make a day of going to the sweet shop and squander his allowance on treats that were guaranteed to both rot his teeth and spoil his appetite before dinner. But Billy didn’t care. Billy was a rebel, even at the ripe young age of three and a half years old.

He left his house, his seventy-five cents in one hand, his helmet in the other. After he strapped on his helmet - blue with Pokemon stickers - he hopped onto his brand new tricycle and sped down the road to Downtown. Downtown was like Disneyland to Billy - the happiest place on Earth. He sped past the pool hall, the swimming pool, and the tow truck place, because tow trucks tow, which is the same as saying they pull, and pull sounds kind of like pool. Billy likes the pool almost as much as he likes downtown, and he likes downtown almost as much as he likes the candy store.

Ah, yes, the candy store - a great structure that rises in front of Billy’s amazed eyes. It seems like forever that he has been riding, the only thought going through his mind “must get candy!” and now he is not 300 feet away from his sucrose covered heaven. He pulls in front of the store, hops off the trike, takes off the helmet, and struts in the door. Well, as close to a strut as you can get with a three and a half year old.

Scanning the never ending shelves of sweets, little Billy is in ecstasy. Chocolate covered cherries, peanut butter cups, gummy bears, lollipops, licorice whips, laffee taffee - THESE are the things that dreams are made of. He peruses the selection, careful to select the best of the best in this world where everything looks so good. If only he could be a teenager so he could get a job and buy all the candy he could eat! But that wouldn’t be for another decade, so Billy must, for now, be restricted to the seventy-five cents a week to satisfy his sweet teeth (some people say sweet ‘tooth,’ but that doesn’t cover Billy at all.)

Trying to pick out just a few pieces when everything looks so good is like torture for young Billy, so he does what any kid would do - he decides to use the seventy five cents to bribe the guy behind the counter to turn away for a few minutes while Billy gathers his fill of junk food. The guy behind the counter is just getting paid minimum wage, so he won’t mind ripping off the company a little bit.

The pimple faced teen behind the counter goes for the deal, and Billy is free to take as much candy as he can stuff into his pockets. He runs around the store, grabbing piles of hard candy, various gummy animals, and all variety of lollipops, and runs out the door. He hops on the trike, and whizzes towards home. But UH OH! Billy forgot to put on his helmet, and one of the friendly cops notices! Too bad Billy forgot about the helmet law, and now he gets a ticket for speeding, riding a trike in a pedestrian zone, and for riding without a helmet - that’s a $375 fine, and on seventy five cents a week, that would take a long time to pay off. SO instead, Billy decides to go to the state penitentiary and repay his debt to society by making license plates.

Luckily for Billy, since he is only three and a half years old, the judge is lenient, and so Billy only goes up the creek until he turns eighteen, and then they’ll even take off the jail time from his permanent record. Billy is pleased until he realizes that Hey! 18 is almost 20! That leaves only two years as a teenager in which he can get a job and eat all the candy that he wants! Now he will be stuck in prison until he’s too old for the days at the candy store, and will forever be remembered as the kid that got all the candy he could carry in exchange for all the rest of his childhood and adolescence. And that, kiddies, is why you shouldn’t eat too many sweets, and you should always wear a helmet.