• Breaking Up is Hard to Do •

               EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

               JIM is driving home after a long day of "work," his hair
               mussed, his collar askew, lipstick covering his face, neck,
               and areas unseen.

               As he approaches his house, he sees his wife, SALLY, standing
               in the driveway, arms crossed, looking extremely upset.

               Jim is surprised to see her, so he pretends not to, pulls
               down the sun shade to block his face, and slowly speeds up,
               attempting to look like somebody else.

               Sally is not fooled - she begins to chase Jim down the road.
               As she runs, she takes off her shoes and throws them at the
               car, hitting the back window.

                                   SALLY
                             (screaming as she runs)
                         Jim you asshole, stop the car! Do
                         you hear me? Stop the car now!

               Jim stops the car.

               Sally continues running until she reaches the driver side
               window, panting, out of breath.

               Jim rolls down the window.

                                   JIM
                         Oh! Sally! I didn't see you!

                                   SALLY
                             (sarcastic, referring to
                              his appearance)
                         Hard day at work, honey?

               Jim searches for some way to get out of this - he doesn't
               find one.

                                   JIM
                         Baby! I didn't think you'd be home!
                         I was just... getting my suit back
                         from the cleaners. Can you believe
                         what a terrible job they did? I
                         mean, look at this thing, all
                         rumpled, and - 

                                   SALLY
                         Cut the crap, Jim. Who was it? Your
                         secretary? Your boss?

                                   JIM
                         Whoah! Whoah! Listen to yourself!
                         "My secretary?" "My boss?" Come on.
                         I wouldn't screw either of those
                         dogs! I mean seriously, woof!

                                   SALLY
                             (too shocked to speak -
                              stutters)
                         I... how... gahh! Who is it, Jim?

                                   JIM
                         Fine, if you must know, it's
                         Jackie, the girl who runs the
                         cappuccino stand.

                                   SALLY
                         You screwed the girl who runs the
                         cappuccino stand!?

                                   JIM
                         I couldn't help it - everyday she's
                         there saying "Can I steam your
                         milk, Mr. Jensen" Man, that is hot!

                                   SALLY
                         I don't want to hear it. Just tell
                         me - do you love her?

                                   JIM
                         Baby...

                                   SALLY
                         Don't call me 'baby.' Just answer
                         the question.

                                   JIM
                         No, of course I don't love her! I
                         mean, I don't even love YOU - you
                         think I'm gonna love some girl I've
                         only screwed seven or eight times?
                         No! Look, I'm just a guy spreading
                         his seed. It's nature, baby! I'm
                         like a wild animal!

               While Jim is talking, Sally pulls out a pair of pruning
               shears.

                                   SALLY
                         Well then, you animal, consider
                         yourself neutered.

               She proceeds to reach the shears into the car, and just
               before things get messy, we 

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.



               EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

               JIM is driving home after a long day of work - he works as a
               claims adjuster at a major insurance company, and today he
               found out that he got a raise. He is feeling on top of the
               world.

               As he approaches his house, he sees an unfamiliar car in the
               driveway. He parks beside it, gets out of the car, and
               examines the mystery automobile. He imagines that his wife,
               SALLY, must have a friend over for tea, so he walks jauntily
               to the door, and walks into the house.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. SUBURBAN HOME - MOMENTS LATER

               Jim strolls into the living room, tosses his coat and
               briefcase on the recliner, begins to loosen his tie, and
               shouts so the world can hear

                                   JIM
                         Honey! I'm home! And I've got great
                         news!

                                   SALLY
                             (having sex in the back
                              room, unaware that Jim
                              has arrived)
                         Oh, yes! Give it to me!

                                   JIM
                             (continuing to make
                              himself at home)
                         Well, you know how, at the office
                         these past few weeks I've been
                         working extra hard?

                                   SALLY
                         Yes! Harder! Harder!

                                   JIM
                         Yeah, well, today my boss called me
                         into his office and said "Jim,
                         you're one of my best workers."

                                   SALLY
                         You're so good!

                                   JIM
                         That's exactly what he was saying!
                         Anyway, he gave me a raise!
                         Starting next month, my paycheck
                         will be 20% bigger!

                                   SALLY
                         Oo, it's so big!

                                   JIM
                         I know! And now, we can finally go
                         on that cruise we've been waiting
                         for!

                                   SALLY
                         Take me now!

                                   JIM
                         Oh, don't be silly! My vacation is
                         in August! But come on, honey, give
                         me a hug!

                                   SALLY
                         I'm coming!

                                   JIM
                         You should have seen me when I
                         heard the news. I was so excited, I
                         gave Mr. Tweed a big hug and said -

                                   MAN'S VOICE
                             (having sex with Sally)
                         I could screw you all day long!

                                   JIM
                         Oh, heavens no!
                             (slowly realizes that
                              wasn't Sally's voice)
                         Say, Sally, what are you doing?

               Jim begins to walk towards the back bedroom. As he nears the
               door, he can hear loud moaning and the squeak of bedsprings.
               He places his ear to the door.

                                   JIM
                         Sally? Are you alone in there?

               Sally and THE MAN hear this, and sounds of fumbling around
               for clothes can be heard.

               Sally opens the door wrapped in the comforter.

                                   SALLY
                         Jim! I was just making the bed!

               A loud crash is heard from the closet as the man falls out
               onto the floor, landing in a heap.

                                   THE MAN
                         I was just... checking the security
                         of your closet. It could use some
                         work. See ya.

               The man walks out of the bedroom, grabbing his pants on the
               way out.

               Jim stares at Sally for a moment.

                                   JIM
                         Sally - were you just having sex
                         with that man?

                                   SALLY
                         Well... I want to be completely
                         honest with you. So before I
                         answer, tell me: how much did you
                         hear?

                                   JIM
                         I heard you having sex with that
                         man!

                                   SALLY
                         Oh. In that case, yes, I did have
                         sex with him.

                                   JIM
                         How... how could you do this to me?

                                   SALLY
                         Easy - he just came up to me at the
                         gym and was like "hey baby, wanna
                         have sex?" And I hadn't had any in
                         so long, how could I pass it up?

                                   JIM
                         I know I haven't been around much
                         lately because of work, but now
                         that I got my raise, I can spend
                         more time with you!

                                   SALLY
                         You got a raise! Hooray! Now I can
                         love you for your money! I love you
                         again, Jim!

                                   JIM
                         Oh, Sally! I love you too!

               Jim and Sally hug.

               The man walks back in.

                                   THE MAN
                         Forgot my keys.

               As he walks back out, Sally gives the man the "call me" sign,
               and then goes back to hugging Jim.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.