Official website of Seattle-area actor and writer Nathaniel Jones

• Ninja! •

INT. LOFT - DAY NINJA is looking at the classified ads. NINJA Pizza delivery... house keeper... lawn care... damnit - where the hell are all the jobs for Ninjas? BARBIE enters. BARBIE Hi, unitard Ninja. NINJA Hi, Naked Barbie. BARBIE Any luck today? NINJA Nada. It's like - "hi, do you have no experience or skills? Great! Come work at our restaurant. Come work in our fields." But then it's like, "What? You have spent your life mastering the sacred art of the Ninja, passed down through generations to only the strongest and most dedicated? No thanks, I'll kick you out to the street, into the curb." Your western culture disgust me. BARBIE Now there's no call for that kind of talk. It's not my fault people are willing to pay for a seven-foot tall naked woman, but not a ninja in a unitard. It's just the job market these days. Something will come up. WOLVERINE enters, distraught. WOLVERINE I am officially living in hell! BARBIE What happened? WOLVERINE Superman - that's what happened. I go to the party, right, and I've got the theme music playing, and I got my Wolverine thing going, claws out, snarling and fighting, I walk in to the room, and the birthday boy says "what! Wolverine! I wanted superman!" And he then proceeds to break off my claws! My indestructable claws! BARBIE No! WOLVERINE See for yourself! Oooo... if I coulda got my hands on him, he woulda been an ex-man! NINJA I'm gonna check Craigslist again. WOLVERINE So I said to the parents - that's it - I'm outta here - but they say, "no, we paid for an hour, and you're staying." So I stayed. Sixty minutes of evil children taunting me - throwing things at me - hitting me with cake! I tell ya, fifty bucks isn't worth that kind of humiliation. BARBIE I'm sorry. JC enters JC Hi guys! WOLVERINE Ten year olds! JC What? NINJA] Zip - nada - zilch. Three cliche words to say there are no jobs here either. WOLVERINE Anybody selling a Superman costume? JC Omigod, I was just walking down the street, and you know what happened? ... You know what happened? NINJA What the hell kinda world is it where a ninja and a Wolverine look alike can't find decent work? JC Hey guys! BARBIE Hi, JC. JC I was just walking outside and some woman stops me and says hey - aren't you one of the Backstreet Boys? Ha ha ha! I was in N-Sync! BARBIE What do you know. JC I was not in the backstreet boys - she got the two confused. BARBIE That's pretty funny. JC And now I'm a successful writer and producer. BARBIE Hey unitard Ninja - Wolverine. Did you two ever think of joining together? Doing a team show? JC And I have recently started a solo recording career. NINJA Team show? BARBIE Yeah - like, you could stage a ninja VS wolverine fight. NINJA But that's ridiculous - it wouldn't even be a fight. How would it be for those kids to see their hero, wolverine, taken down so easily? WOLVERINE Taken down so easily? I think you'd be the one taken down so easily. Look at this - compare the size of my muscle to yours. I could crush you. NINJA It's not about size - it's about dexterity and skills. I would move so fast that you would be down before you realized the fight had begun! WOLVERINE But my I've got unbreakable metal all throughout my body! NINJA You're not actually wolverine - it's just a costume. WOLVERINE It's a very detailed costume. BARBIE It won't be an actual fight - you can stage it before hand. It'll just be a performance. The kids will love it, and you'll both be making money, so you can pay me back for your shares of the rent. WOLVERINE Ok - but I get to win, even if it's staged. NINJA] Never! BARBIE You can take turns. WOLVERINE But I get to win first! BARBIE Is that Okay, unitard Ninja? NINJA] Fine - it'll make my victory in the second performance all the more sweet to know that I am fighting for vengeance. WOLVERINE What am I fighting for the first time? BARBIE Here's what you do: you start your wolverine show off as normal, and then unitard Ninja can break in and steal the cake, and Wolverine can fight to get it back. NINJA A ninja would never eat a cake - especially when he must wear such form fitting outfits as this one. BARBIE What else could he steal? WOLVERINE How about the birthday boy? BARBIE I think that would get us arrested. NINJA What if we had somebody posing as a birthday party guest? BARBIE Hmm... I like it! But where are we going to find somebody who could pass for a young boy? JC Hey guys! Who wants to shoot some hoops!? ... what?

2009 - Nathaniel Jones