4

You (Jim the Accountant-turned-pirate) are stranded on a strange tropical island. How’d you get here? It’s best not to ask such questions. In front of you is the ocean, and your infamous pirate ship, the SS Kazaa. You are known the world over for your skill at clicking a button and downloading music without paying for it. Wow – you are one dangerous pirate, Jim! Behind you is a mysterious forest, and so that is where our journey will begin. You enter the forest, and all at once you feel the icy touch of panic – with all of this unfamiliar wildlife, surely you will be allergic to SOMETHING! You turn back to return to your ship, but I slap you upside the head and tell you to keep going into the forest, so you do.

In the forest, you notice that it is quiet… a little TOO quiet. As a matter of fact, it is so quiet, you think that something must be wrong! What could be wrong? It could be anything! It could be lions, or tigers, or bears! Oh my! It could be your aunt Hammie making waffles in the manner you dislike! It could be a pack of wild boars preparing to spear you with their poison tusks and then force you to eat rancid cold poison and chicken that is too dry! All of these fears overcome you, and because you’re such a sissy, you faint.

When you awaken a few hours later, you notice something rummaging through your belongings. It’s a dirty old man! Yowza!

Says Jim: “What are you doing in my stuff, old man?”
Says the dirty old man: “You left out ‘dirty.’ I was hungry – I haven’t had anything to eat for days besides poorly prepared waffles and dry chicken.”
Says Jim: “I knew it!”
Says the dirty old man: “If you’ll give me some tasty vittles, I’ll tell you where you can find the greatest treasure in the world, and plenty of adventure!”
Says Jim: “I’d rather have tuna on a hot biscuit than adventure, but I’m forced by my contract to choose adventure over scrumptious biscuits, preferably from one of those cans that pops when you open it. You know what I’m talking about?”
Says the dirty old man: “Less talk, more rock… and by rock I mean food.”
Says Jim: “Oh yes. Here you go – a nice tofurkey sandwich on rye bread with no condiments of any kind.”
Says the old man: “You must be an accountant. And the narrator left out ‘dirty,’ too. Anyways, a deal's a deal. I should introduce myself. My name’s Mel. Mel Meehan. When I kiss the ladies, they always says “Mel’s in my mouth, not in Meehan!” Now, about that adventure.”
Says Jim: “Wait, I’m still trying to figure out that last gag. Oh, I get it. Ok. The adventure?”
Says Mel: “You see, back when I was a teenager, a very rich man owned pretty much this whole island, and he lived in a house at the top of a very steep hill. Now, one day me and my brother Kyle were hitchhiking nearby his house, on a long and lonesome road, when all of a sudden there shined a shiny demon right in front of the man’s house. The demon was the powerful Callipygian - one of the most powerful creatures in the world. And he said “Give to me the greatest treasure in the world, or I’ll eat your soul.” Me and my brother looked at each other, and at the rich man, and the rich man said ‘OK.” And he gave him the first thing he found in his wallet, and it just so happened to be the greatest treasure in the world! It was the greatest treasure in the world! Look into my eyes and it easy to see that what I saw was real, and I am telling it to thee – it is our destiny. Once every hundred thousand years of so when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow and the grass doth grow, Callipygian once again appears, and at that moment, it’s possible to enter his mountain cave and try to take his treasure! And now is that time!”
Says Jim: “Wait, he only comes out every 100,000 years, and yet this would be the second time you’ve seen him?”
Says Mel: “I’m a very old man.”
Says Jim: “I see. Well, then, let’s get going. Where is this mountain cave?”
Says Mel: “Well, the front entrance is on the north face of the mountain, but I recommend going in through the back way – Callipygian has a dangerous front side, but his backside looks very nice.”
You ignore that crack, and go to take a look at the rear. It is indeed very nice, tho I’m not going to make any jokes, because that would be just too cheeky.