Well listen: this may damper what we had in mind, but we’ve promised the people adventure, and you’ve got to give it to them. I don’t care about your allergies, we hired you to be a pirate and that’s what you’re going to be, are we clear? Alright then. Let’s see… You’ll need some work. Can I hear you growl? Bah! That’s pitiful! Well, work on that while I get the audience caught up on how things are going to go.

Welcome to “Jim the Pirate’s Quest for Adventure.” As you probably just heard, apparently “Jim the Pirate” is in reality “Jim the Accountant.” Nevertheless, we will continue with the quest for adventure as planned. Oh, just to make sure that Jim goes through with this, we’re going to use our new mind control device on him. As soon as he puts on this special helmet, you will have control over many of Jim’s actions (but don’t tell him that – he doesn’t know that part.)

So you know some vital statistics, as Jim you will be about 5’4, 120 pounds, with pasty white skin and not many skills aside from those gained working at a desk for twenty years. As far as weaponry goes, you’ll have a sharp letter opener, and an umbrella. You’re wearing… I can’t believe I’m letting this guy quest for adventure… You’re wearing a green shirt, brown pants, a pea-soup-green bowtie, and black platform shoes. And, in a moment, you’ll be wearing a mind-controlling pirate hat. You have a large briefcase which contains some batteries, a fanny pack (in case of emergencies), a bungee cord, and various office supplies. You also carry a plastic lunch box with some food, water, and a multitude of pills.

I hear Jim growling, so I’ll go get him ready to go. Say, Jim! Sounds good! Here – every pirate needs a pirate hat, so here you go! (He’s got it on now, so why don’t you give it a try?)